Somya: What are some of the challenges you are facing right now as you’ve transitioned from prison into society?

Zach: One of the biggest challenges is understanding and trying to identify what my role in life actually is. Defining what I really want to do, not just with my career but with life in general. Like I said, I spent so much time planning but I didn’t understand what it meant to actually live. Trying to find that balance in life, with setting goals and taking action, that’s the biggest challenge; because everything changes, everything is fluid and in motion. There’s so much more that I need to take into consideration. Inside prison there’s only so many moving parts in a person’s life, but out here there’s countless. My life is touched everyday by a different person, or even twenty people that could influence one decision. The other challenge is trying to maintain the confidence to tell myself that I can actually do this. I grew up inside, so it’s quite intimidating being out here. Just asking for help from a clerk at a restaurant or a waiter can be extremely intimidating sometimes, because I don’t want any conflict. I have to constantly be aware of the smallest things because I might get violated for parole.

Somya: What’s a challenge that really surprised you?

Zach: I wasn’t prepared to meet people that I knew before, and see them out here. Meeting friends from high school for the first time in 22 years, who were seeing me as a free man; or facetiming my mom and grandma who I hadn’t seen in 10 years while I’m dressed in civilian clothes. I didn’t understand that it’s a whole different dynamic. I wasn’t even recognized by a guy who got out 2 weeks before me. We were at The Last Mile holiday party and I’m talking to this guy, keep in mind that we were co-facilitating a class inside San Quentin just a few weeks ago. We’re both wearing street clothes, but he doesn’t even recognize me. He starts telling me about himself and his life story, and I tell him, “Joe! It’s me, Zach.” And he just looks at me blankly. I say again, “Zach, from Hope for Lifers.” At first the recognition does not register, but then it did and he said, “Oh my god!” So that’s a whole other thing; it’s the moment I realized that I’m a different person now, I’m no longer defined by the blue clothing. So I realized how much of an identifying factor that really was, people literally identified me with the color I was wearing. The moment I wasn’t, they didn’t know who I was.

Somya: How did you psychologically cope in prison? Do you still use any similar methods to cope in modern society?

Zach: Around 2000 I started going to Buddhist services, and I learned how to meditate. I’ve always been someone who struggles with anxiety; my mind is always going 100 miles an hour. So meditation actually helped me slow that process down and stopped those untrue thoughts and moments in my head that weren’t even real. Being able to meditate and sit with myself, and incorporating it into other parts of my life such as when I started working with the twelve step program, and when I did my daily inventory, both at the beginning and end of the day. It really allowed me to check in with myself; what was I feeling, why I was feeling that way, and what I needed to do in order to live in alignment with my values and integrity. To be able to meditate during moments of struggle, and just take a breath, and breathe is quite grounding. One thing I catch myself doing all the time, out here, is holding my breath. There’s always something that happens which I’m not prepared for. So I have to force myself to sit with that moment, and take a moment to recognize that it is okay to feel what I’m feeling, and that it’s going to pass. It’s here for a reason.

Somya: As you’re in the midst of job searching right now, what would you say is the easiest and most difficult part of the process? How do you think this process could be made more accessible for formerly incarcerated individuals?

Zach: The easiest part of it is going into the interview and being myself. Having to prepare for board and getting right with myself allowed me to be content with whatever the results were going to be. You can take me as you want; reject me or accept me, I’m going to be fine no matter what. It’s not the end of the world. So having that understanding when I go into the interview makes it easier. The tough part is actually trying to ignite a spark in them (interviewer) so that they are willing to learn more about you; where they actually see something inside you and are willing to take a chance. So that’s the difficult part. Even people who have the best skills and don’t come from a criminal background, struggle to find a job. So I’d say it’s tough for anyone to make that deep lasting connection. I’m very open about my background, so most interviewers know about my past. I’m a full believer that my life story isn’t something that should hinder me. So them finding out on their own isn’t going to help anything, it’s better to actually tell them my story myself. That way, no one else is telling my story for me. I find ways to show the interviewer how my incarceration actually empowered me; the resilience I developed inside, and how I obtained my college degree in prison. I changed my life inside. The work ethic I developed inside is actually something that will probably make me a better employee than 97% of employees out there. Although my skills might not be the best compared to some of them, I know my work ethic is going to set me apart. As for the second question, I think having a network of people already setup, who are willing to do interviews would be beneficial. I’m not saying have jobs ready, but just have 10 or 15 potential employers who are potentially willing to hire us. So having that part of the process once we come home will be beneficial. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything, at least we got the practice and connection. The opportunity to go through a technical interview before the real deal is absolutely vital.

Somya: The transition from incarceration to freedom can sometimes be more emotionally demanding than incarceration itself. Do you feel that way? If so, how do you think society – although it is perceived as the free dimension – creates a layer of imprisonment?

Zach: I think on the inside we don’t have to deal with our emotions as much; everything is about the facade and exterior, everything is controlled. The moment we walk out those gates, everything hits you harder. Everything is like a slap in the face. It’s so different because you don’t have those walls around you, you don’t have a person in your cell 24 hours a day that can see you’re struggling with something. So the emotions are definitely more palpable out here. Similarly to how colors are more vibrant, so are emotions; it’s unfiltered now. Being able to enjoy this moment, looking out smiling, and being joyful is something you’re not able to do in prison. It’s inappropriate to smile inside prison so to speak. Some people take offense to you smiling in prison. So actually being able to feel that emotion and let it flow through me is empowering; it feels good. However, there’s a subtle prison about things in general. We’re all in a prison of our own mind’s making. You’ll hear this countless times from people who are coming out of prison. No matter what world we’re in, there’s always rules; always a prison around us, constraints and barriers that we have to live by. I think the lines are just blurrier out here. There are things out here that we don’t even perceive to be barriers or boundaries in our life. It doesn’t have to be something physical, it can be the same with emotional boundaries with people. Can I share my story with someone else? How much sharing is appropriate? Is it safe to tell someone I was incarcerated? These thoughts alone can be a barrier and a prison for myself just in that conversation itself. Because I own my pass, but if I can’t share it with someone else then am I really owning it?

Somya: Is community important for a Returned Citizen? What does community mean to you?

Zach: Community is hugely important. Not just for a Returned Citizen, but for anyone in general. We’re social creatures, our societies are built on community. Well, at least it’s supposed to be. I think that’s where we are failing a lot. A lot of the problems we face in society today is because of that lack of community. However, for us to become healthy inside prison, we had to find a new community. Prior to being incarcerated, the communities we were a part of were negative, broken, drug addicted, gang filled, but when we started building our own communities inside, with men who were pro-socially conscious, sober, and have a positive impact we were able to effect that change in ourselves because it gave us the space to do that. If we don’t have that space then we stay in our old patterns and our old prisons so to speak. And so now, after being out and having that sense of community that I have with my peers, coworkers and friends makes me feel like I’m doing alright. The sense of community is affirming my life choices and decisions to change my life. I feel good about myself and my path. Even if I was to fail at becoming a programmer, or fail as something else, the fact is that it’s just temporary. I’m not defined by what I do in life. I know that I have my community there to help and support me, and allow me to hold space for them. That’s one of the greatest things I’ve been able to experience. On the inside I wasn’t able to do that for my friends and family out here. How do you help someone that’s coping with something negative outside while you’re on the inside? Even if it’s a death in the family, to be able to be part of that process and actually have a legitimate stake in that relationship as a community member. That means you’re a real member of the community; while on the inside you’re not. Even if you think what you say matters, you have no real impact. You’re just empty words on the other side of the phone.